Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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