if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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