Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
