you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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