If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
