you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
