I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
