eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You've changed since you got that strap on
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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