genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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