In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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