saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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