A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
