I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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