I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I have aggressive nipples.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
