Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm passing your future prison.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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