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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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