I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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