Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
