wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
