1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
