I have demons in me.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
