Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
she told me i tasted like america
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
