whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
