People with herpes should wear stickers.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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