I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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