My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
