I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
my poor anus
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
