Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
