remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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