Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
