I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Randomize
