Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
