Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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