I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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