Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
