I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
