what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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