Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
