So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Who died my cat blue again?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
