Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
