remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I just cut my nipple shaving
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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