Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
