Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
