She said her name was "party"
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
