The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
