I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize
