let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
