I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
