The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
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