If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
