8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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